(Hey everyone! Quarantine tips are all the rage right now, and for a good reason! But here at “Sing into the Void,” we like to do things a little differently. So I’ve worked some blogger magic and secured a guest post from a TRUMP SUPPORTER! Yes, this is real. It’s definitely NOT a lighthearted joke with the intention of providing some comic relief in these trying times. So say hello to Donny, the guy who lives in a trailer near my house and sells guns online! Or at least he tries to, but he keeps getting shut down. Yes, I’ve talked to him, but Donny likes to do things his way…)
HELLO FELLOW PATRIOTS! This is Donny, and I’d just like to give a few tips for how to deal with this “coronavirus.” I know I know, I wanted to call it by the REAL name that the President uses, but VoidPrincess told me that was “racist” and threatened to blast classical music on her stereo! She’s done it in the past, and if I hear anymore foreign singing I’m worried my dick will fall off. Sometimes we have to compromise I guess. Anyway, here are my quarantine tips! I came up with them with my drinking buddies last night- it was our weekly booze and wrestling match combo, and it’s not gay because we all say horrible things about our wives while we do it.
- Check your social media as OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. That’s the only way our wonderful president can cut through the FAKE NEWS MEDIA. Definitely don’t take breaks, or read a book, or talk to your family or anything stupid like that. And remember- if the facebook page you’re going to for news from doesn’t have a confederate flag on it, it’s run by George Soros! Hey there, CNN/MSNBC/NPR/PBS/FOX/My own children/that dumb lady at church who keeps telling me that she’s “concerned” that I might have been “mislead” about the “nature of this virus”, your lies will be EXPOSED!
(Note: I was trying to put my favorite Qanon meme in here, but the LIBERAL BIAS at wordpress is causing me to not remember where I saved it- it was really cool though, it had a skull AND a Guy Fawkes Mask!)
- Don’t worry about all that “social distancing” crap that the coastal elites have been pushing. Sure, other developed countries with way better healthcare than us are struggling to keep up with this virus, but that means nothing! This is the best country in the world! If you haven’t sent some old lady to the ICU over a roll of toilet paper in the last week, are you even American?
- Don’t let all of this hysteria distract you from the REAL scandal- Democraps nationwide are trying to overturn the 2016 election! And HOW will they do it you ask? By encouraging OTHER democraps to register and vote, so that their candidates get more votes! You heard that right! Our great nation is under siege! From the VOTERS! They pulled the same little stunt in 2018, and now we have a former bartender in congress! DISGUSTING! Call me old fashioned, but I think people ought to get elected to congress the proper way- by being born into a wealthy, white, evangelical family with no genuine understanding of the present economic conditions or sense of civic duty. Otherwise, how can I be sure that my own religion is the RIGHT ONE? I can’t be expected to figure that shit out by myself!
- ….Now where was I? Sorry, I got kind of a rage boner there. Then Hannity came on and, well, took me a little while to clean up the mess. Anyway, quarantine tips? Oh yeah! Don’t be washing your hands TOO much, or you might turn gay. I’m serious guys! If the dorito dust layer on your hands gets too thin, you might get the urge to actually deal with the moldy dishes, or even worse, deal with that six-month-old-pile of laundry near your bed. DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN! It is GOD’S WILL that your home smell like a pack of wet dogs in a rusted-out car, littered with cigarette butts! Do you want to insult GOD?
- Whatever you do, DON’T question your own ideas about the role of government in public health. I know it might seem like a lot of trouble could have been spared if our boy Trump had started prepping for this back in January instead of calling it a hoax and getting mad at reporters when they ask simple questions. But that’s just Trump’s genius! He’s always one step ahead of the curve! By doing the exact OPPOSITE of what most people would have done in his position, he’s owning the libs EVEN HARDER!
Well, I have to go now- There’s a lady reporter on the TV saying mean things about Trump, and if I don’t send death threats to her on the internet, WHO WILL? But anyway, DON’T READ THIS BLOG EITHER. I only agreed to guest post because VoidPrincess gave me a jar of weed. I know that all of this will go WAY OVER her head, but that broken arm of mine has really been smarting lately and I don’t have health insurance. I was using beer to help with the pain, but according to my kids I have a “problem” and “crashing your truck into the church luncheon” makes it “awkward” for the family. Anyway, stay strong patriots! MAGA!